got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
