if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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