He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
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