I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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