I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
