He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
