were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
