i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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