I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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