yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
