You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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