Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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