Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
