Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
