I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
