I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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