I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Randomize
