So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
