my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
