So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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