Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
