Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
