If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
