I could make wine with my vomit
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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