I think im going to throw up on grandma
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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