Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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