you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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