Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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