just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
