I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize