Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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