So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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