I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm at about main and main street
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
