You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
