she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
