Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
