I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
