i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
