we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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