I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
