K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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