My first STD was from a foam party
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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