So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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