Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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