I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
