what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
