Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
