You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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