Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
