Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
