I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
