I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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