I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Every concussion has its silver lining
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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