I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
