Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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