We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize