I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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