I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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