two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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