I just threw up on my dentist
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
