i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
