Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
