I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
